


Hashirama Senju, Cockblocker Extraordinaire

by GivemeanID



Series: The Merchant Sisters [4]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Courting Rituals, Mito and Toka plotting, Multi, cockblocker Hashirama, flailling tobirama, prelude to a marriage hunt, they are all idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 10:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19743718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GivemeanID/pseuds/GivemeanID
Summary: The Uchiha make their move !Starring : Flailing Tobirama, Cockblocker Hashirama and No-Preservation-Instinct IzunaToka is somewhere in the corner plotting the Uchiha clan ultimate demise (and they will love it ).





	Hashirama Senju, Cockblocker Extraordinaire

**Author's Note:**

> This is longer that I expected. Plot took my brain and ran ^^

It took a surprisingly long time to convince Hashirama not to gut Madara and Izuna. And by a surprisingly long time, they meant three hours of Tobirama, Toka and Takuma restraining him while he spat increasingly creative curses to the Uchiha. They only managed to reign him in thank to Mito surprise reinforcement.

So now, Tobirama was standing in front of Madara and Izuna, flanked by Takuma, while Mito and Toka were sitting on a hissing Hashirama.

\- So, he said tiredly, are you still decided to have peace with us ?  
\- Oh yes, Madara answered dusting his armor, we kinda expected him to react like that to be honest.  
\- And... what exactly did you mean by courting gift ? I mean... aren't you supposed to hate me ? Why would you want to... to...

He blushed and stuttered. And Madara and Izuna felt a strange desire to hug him and pet him.

\- Well, Izuna started, you are really smart. I mean, you always come up with a new jutsu to counter me. And you are incredibly powerful and deadly !  
\- Yes ! Madara added excitedly, I bet you could crush our skulls with your thights and this is always a good thing to have in a spouse. Also, very hot.  
\- And you love children, so you would be a good father !  
\- And you are insanely gorgeous !  
\- So of course, we want to court you !

By the end of it, Tobirama was beet red, from the tips of his ears to under his armor, and steam was coming out of his ears. Takuma was smiling like an idiot, Mito and Toka were cooing because of the cuteness of it all, some of the younger Senu were cheering and clapping. Even Hashirama had stopped trashing. The Uchiha were waiting with batted breath. And suddenly, Tobirama started to flail and ramble.

\- Gods what should I do ?! Isn't it rude that I didn't reciprocate to the previous gifts ?! Cousin ! help ! How do I show I am interested ?! What are the Uchiha courting traditions ?! Help !

The Uchiha were trying to control the reactions the endearing flailing of the Senju got out of them. To no avail. The proud warriors were left cooing and cheering.

\- Calm down cousin, Takuma said laughing, it's okay. I guess you have to reciprocate if you are interested. How much time does he have ? he asked Madara.  
\- Starting from now, a month.  
\- I am not okay with that ! Hashirama bellowed, still flattened under his wife and his cousin.  
\- Husband dear, this doesn't concern you, Mito said, regal despite the fact she was sitting on her husband's back.  
\- I won't let my baby brother be defiled !  
\- This is not your decision to take ! Toka said, and didn't you want peace ?!  
\- Yes ! But I won't prostitute Tobi to have it !  
\- Dammit cousin ! Stop being so dramatic ! This is just an offer of courting !  
\- And even if they end up doing the deed, it will be between consenting adults. So now please, husband dear, shut up !

***********************

Tobirama was pacing in his living room, twisting his hands. Toka was sitting on the couch, next to Mito and a tied up and gagged Hashirama.

\- Cousin, are you okay ? Toka asked.  
\- I don't know... Toka... I am not sure...  
\- Deep breath cuz, What you need to determine is if you are interested.  
\- I... maybe... yes...

Then more firmly.

\- Yes.

Mito smiled.

\- Then, dear brother in law, you need to find a good gift for your suitors.

************************

A week later, Madara felt two familiar chakra signatures coming toward the compound. He rushed to the gates, Izuna on his heels. A few seconds later, Tobirama and Hashirama came into view, wearing their usual clothes, armorless. Tobirama was carrying a gigantic stag. Madara felt his eyes widen and Izuna hiccupped. The young albino put the stag on the ground in front of the gaping brothers. The animal was beatiful, and intact, killed by a single hit to the throat. Tobirama was looking at his feet, twisting his hands. His brother was standing next to him, arms crossed, eyes fixated on Madara, like he was daring him to say something. Like he was waiting for Madara to jump on Tobirama, too. Madara ignored his old friend and smiled to the albino.

\- Hello !  
\- He... hello... so... I am interested and... I decided to reciprocate but I... us Senju don't offer the kind of gifts you sent me when we court... which is why I didn't understand you were courting me at firts... I... I decided to do it the Senju way... hence the stag...  
\- He is beautiful ! Izuna said, crouching next to the animal to examine it.

Tobirama blushed all the way to the tips of his ears.

\- Thank you... I know the forest around you compound doesn't have a lot of big game and that it is difficult for you to get meat... so... I figured you would like to have some... for the children...

Madara would have hugged him if Hashirama wasn't here. Izuna didn't care and jumped on his ex-rival to engulf him in an octopus hug.

\- I knew it ! he cried happily, I told you he would make a good father !

Tobirama looked ready to flail and faint. And Hashirama was emitting so much killing intent the man was shivering.

\- Maybe you want to come and drink tea, Madara tried before his brother suffered an early and violent death.  
\- At your house ? Tobirama asked.  
\- Yes...  
\- I... I would like it...

Madara beamed.

*****************************

Meanwhile, at the Senju compound.

Mito and Toka were standing in front of the mountain of courting presents the Uchiha brothers had sent to Tobi.

\- So, Mito said, what are we gonna do with all of this ?  
\- Hum, well... Uchiha like pretty things...  
\- So, if Tobi is favorable to a union at the end of the courting, he'll have to be pretty for the marriage.  
\- ...  
\- Toka, do you think what I am thinking ?  
\- We're gonna kill the Uchiha with prettiness overload ?  
\- Exactly.

Both women grinned like hyenas.

****************************

Tobirama was sipping his tea and chatting with Izuna, Hashirama and Madara having a stare down contest next to them. The young Senju felt better than he had in a long time. Unlike what he was thinking, Madara and Izuna were nice and funny. And he would lie if he said he didn't like the way they looked at him. The Senju were either wary or cruel, sneering at him behind his back. The others clans were afraid of him. But Madara and Izuna - and the other Uchiha too, which was kinda strange - looked at him like he was precious. He was... not used to that. But it was nice.

Tobirama smiled and Izuna blushed and stuttered. Madara choked. Hashirama tried to throw himself over the table to gut his best friend but Tobirama caught him by the hair and forced him to sit.

\- Tobi !  
\- Stop that brother. Sit down.  
\- I have to protect your virtue !

Tobirama rolled his eyes so hard he saw his brain. The Uchiha brothers were beet red. Were they imagining things or was Hashirama insinuating that his brother was a virgin ?

\- I can protect my virtue just fine, Anija.  
\- But Tobi !  
\- Stop scaring my suitors, please.

Hashirama face fell and he started pouting. He just wanted to protect his pure little brother from perverts... Tobirama sighed and patted his brother's shoulder.

\- Hashirama, I appreciate what you are trying to do, but I am okay. I promise.  
\- Okay, Hashirama said, sharing a strincking ressemblance with a kicked puppy.

Meanwhile, the Uchiha brothers were having a mental breakdown. They were used to see Tobirama on the battlefield, cold, poised and proud, and so sooo alluring now that they were aware of it. But they were not used to the warm softness the younger Senju was now displaying.

\- Gods, you are beautiful, Madara blurted.

A great oak suddenly sprouted from under the table.

\- Goddammit Hashirama !

******************************

After a lot of flailing and yelling (on both sides), a lot of swatting his brother over the head (on Tobirama's side) and a lot of excuses (on Hashirama's side), the Senju brothers reparated the damages and took their leave, promising - well Tobirama had - they would come back.

It continued for weeks, the Uchiha sending extravagant gifts, Tobirama reciprocating by coming with food - going out of his way to provide them with fine meats and expensive teas. The children loved him.

One memorable time, Madara and Izuna went in person to the Senju compound to give Tobirama their gift - a rare book about the use of fire chakra. They had been welcomed by Toka, who looked a lot like a grinning hyena at that moment. She leaded them to the Clan Head house, seated them on the terrace with a cup of tea and went fetching Tobirama, who was training with the children. They met Mito, who smiled at them and started a conversation. Madara was utterly terrified by that woman and decided he would never do anything to anger her. Izuna, who had absolutely no preservation instinct, chatted her like they were old friends. Madara could feel Hashirama looming by the window, but his old friend seemed reluctant coming out of the house. Tobirama appeared in the garden, covered in sweat, a big smile on his face.

\- Sorry, I am late ! I sensed you at the gate but I was with the children.  
\- Oh, don't worry ! Izuna said, everything is okay, we were chatting with Mito.  
\- I am going to leave you with your suitors, Tobirama, she said with a smile, poised like a goddess.

She diseppeared in the house, and seconds later, they heard her and Toka cackling evilly. Madara blanched and stiffened.

\- I am terrified of her, he admitted.  
\- Welcome to the club, Tobirama smiled, drinking his tea.

The afternoon passed quietly. They spoke of the ongoing peace negociations. Apparently - for a reason Tobirama was unable to understand - the Uchiha Elders were really angry at their Senju counterparts for the way they had treated Tobirama. And they were hellbent on vexing thelm to make them pay.

The Uchiha were weirds.

When the sun set behind the horizon, Tobirama leaded them to the compound's gate, smiling.

\- Hashirama didn't try to annoy us today, Izuna said, did you do something ?  
\- Oh... I threatened to let Mito loose on him, Tobirama answered, smirking.

Izuna fell on the floor, convulsing of laughter. Madara looked at Tobirama like he saw him for the first time.

\- You know, he said, taking the albino's hand in his, you are a living wonder.

Tobirama smiled.

\- And you are a villain flatterer, he said.  
\- I only say the truth.

He leveled Tobirama's hand to his face and kissed the back of it, never breaking eye contact. The Senju instantly blushed.

\- Hey ! I wanna do that too !

Izuna jumped on his feet, caught Tobirama other hand and kissed it with a giant smile. The guards cheered.

**************************

\- What with that look cousin ?! Toka cheered, Is that a smile ?! Ooooh ! Did they finally kissed you ?!  
\- No... yes ? They kissed my hands...  
\- Noooo... really ?! This is so romantic !  
\- Toka...  
\- Yes little cuz ?!  
\- Do you remember that conversation we had some years ago, when you tried to convince me that sex was good to blow off some steam ?  
\- How could I forget ?

The conversation had been awkward on both sides, and they had been unable to look at each other in the eye for days.

\- You told me you never felt the desire to have sex, to be physical with anyone. And that you didn't want to try it since the whole clan would probably mock you for it.  
\- Yes... I remember that...  
\- Tobirama... does that torment you ? With Madara and Izuna ?  
\- A little... at the start it did... but the more time I spent with them the more I wanted... I want... I... this is difficult to explain... I...  
\- Oh Tobi... deep breaths little cousin...  
\- Thank you Toka... I never felt that before but I want to be with them... I want...  
\- You are in love with them, aren't you ?  
\- Yes...  
\- Then little rabbit, it will be okay...

Tobirama melted in his cousin's embrace.

*********************

Two weeks later, Madara and Izuna were happily watching Tobirama play with the chidren, Hashirama sitting next to them, sipping tea. The younger Senju was knee deep in the koi pond, using his chakra to create water animals he sent spiralling around the children who were trying to catch them, squeling with happiness. The albino had a two year old girl perched on his shoulders, her little hands petting his white hair with an air of wonder on her chubby face.

Suddenly, Tobirama turned to them, a sunny smile on his gorgeous face, and Madara felt his heart skip a beat. Next to him, Izuna was looking at the Senju like he just saw a litteral god.

Second later, Izuna was gesticulating at two Uchiha women - Kaya, Kagami's mother, and her sister Reika - while subtly designating Hashirama. Madara had no idea what his brother was trying to do but the women seemed to get the hint since they descended on Hashirama like hawks on their prey.

\- Senju-san ! We have some problems with our garden ! Could you please help us ?!  
\- Oh... yes... of course...

Hashirama ended up with one woman clinging to each of his arm, litterally kidnapped to the other end of the compound.

Madara grinned.

Good job, Izuna !

The brothers stood up and made their way to the koi pond, where Tobirama had taken the little girl in his arms, balancing her on one hip while she traced his marks with her chubby fingers.

\- Did we told you you were beautiful ? Izuna said.  
\- Yes ! Why so flattering suddenly ?  
\- Because I want to kiss you, Izuna retorted.  
\- And so do I, Madara added.

Tobirama blushed and the little girl squealed.

\- I... have been thinking about it...  
\- Do you want too ?  
\- ... yes... he breathed.

Izuna smiled and stepped toward Tobirama, before brushing their lips in a chaste kiss. Madara didn't wait long before claiming the Senju's lips for himself. Tobirama smiled, before suddenly rolling his eyes.

\- Hashirama is on his way. I think he escaped his captors.

Izuna snorted.

\- You know, he continued, I really like both of you.

The Uchiha brothers smiles were as beaming as the sun.

****************************

Watching the Senju brothers disappear, Madara sighed.

\- We're in too deep, aren't we ? he said.  
\- Oh yes, Izuna said dreamily.  
\- Don't you think it's time to get to the next step ? We've been courting for months now, and the peace negociations are almost complete... We will found the village in a few weeks...  
\- I am a little afraid he'll change his mind if we press him...  
\- Me too... but don't you think we have to try ?  
\- ... yes...  
\- I am gonna fetch the bridal rope...

****************************

\- Cousin ! Takuma bellowed, there is another package from the Uchiha !  
\- Thank you Takuma !

The package was smaller and lighter. And when he opened it, Tobirama found a coil of blood red silk rope.

\- Is that what I think it is ? Toka asked.  
\- Bridal rope, Tobirama breathed.

Hashirama became blue. Mito grabbed his arm with a smile.

\- They are proposing...

Tobirama was feeling the rope between his fingers. They were proposing... They wanted him ! He felt a small smile grace his lips.

\- I am gonna accept.

He turned to his family to see Mito holding Hashirama in a chokehold while Toka was bashing him over the head with her sandal. Both women immediatly jumped him to hug him.

\- I am so happy for you !  
\- So now you'll have to return the rope to them, isn't it ?  
\- Yes. And then, the Hunt will begin. And when they will catch me, we will be considered married under Uchiha law.  
\- In that case, Mito said, we have a gift for you !

She produced a chest from under the table and opened it.

\- And tada !

Hashirama fainted.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it, my dears !
> 
> I have this headcannon that when Tobi is upset but not in danger, he'll start stuttering and twisting his hands.
> 
> Next part : The Hunt ;)


End file.
